For many years, Motherhood has been regarded as the embodiment of self-abnegation⸺ where women happily sacrifice their careers, bodies, desires, and happiness. They say submitting yourself completely to your baby’s needs gives you an inexplicable sense of joy, where your pain, tiredness, exhaustion, and even the trauma of giving birth just go away with one glimpse of your baby’s face. Motherhood is even considered the pinnacle of femininity and womanhood and without it, women lack a fundamental aspect of their being.
However, the narrative is slowly changing with more women writers and speakers voicing the raw and real experiences of motherhood; they are sharing the sides of motherhood which are often sidelined or are often not talked about. The words of the novelist Jacqueline Rose, ring true “There is a need for a more truer and disturbing account of motherhood.” She explains the prevailing virtuous discourse of motherhood where mothers are seen largely as protectors of the child and how the real part of the birth-giving experience, which involves messy things like bodies, mucous, shit, and viscousness is not even part of the public or official discourse on mothering.
Here are some books that aim to defy the essentialist understandings of mothers, women, motherhood, womanhood, and everything in between⸺ that is, the diverse complex nuances and experiences of motherhood; the process of becoming or unbecoming a mother; the bone-breaking physical and emotional challenges that one endures while becoming a mother; the aftermath of it; and the diverse narratives and discourse that surrounds motherhood.
Breasts and Eggs by Meiko Kawakami
Who is a woman? Do breasts and eggs make you a woman? Does motherhood come naturally to women? Meiko Kawakami’s Breasts and Eggs tries to ask and answer these questions. It opens up conversations around gender roles, mothering, and womanhood and represents what it is like to be a single working-class woman in the patriarchal-ridden Japanese society. Some of the lines that stayed with me are: “I never became the woman I imagined.” “It feels like I’m trapped inside my body. It decides when I get hungry, and when I’ll get my period. From birth to death, you have to keep eating and make money just to stay alive…Life is hard enough with just one body. Why would anyone ever want to make another one?” “One can have babies without getting wrapped up in a man’s desire.”
One Foot on the Ground by Shanta Gokhale
In this autobiography, Gokhale narrates her story through the different stages of her body. She minces no words when describing her life events. The book is divided into chapters dedicated to stories associated with different parts of her body such as Menstruation; Breasts, Buttocks, and a Lisp; Hair and Heart; Menopause, Eyes, Fibroids, and the Arts. This is one of those rare reads where a woman tells her story without any filter—a raw account of a strong-headed woman who prioritizes herself before her marriage, husband, and children. She is so passionate about her writing and self-growth that not even a crippling marriage, familial and maternal responsibilities, or cancer could dare to shackle her.
Terrific Mother by Lorrie Moore
“You’d make a terrific mother!” The protagonist of this short story often receives this as a compliment. However, this looming burden of expected motherhood has caused her to develop a fear of babies, making her seemingly awkward around them. She is 30—an age where society expects you to possess those “basic” natural motherly skills, like holding a baby. The plot begins when she is handed a baby and, in a moment of clumsiness, accidentally falls with the infant. This short story delves into the idea of how women are often reduced to identities such as mother, girlfriend, spouse, and wife, prompting the reader to reflect on how women are forever in a dilemma about their identities. One quote from the protagonist stays with me: “Who was she? The opposite of a mother. The opposite of a spouse.”
The Days of Abandonment by Elena Ferrante
This is the most naked account of motherhood and marriage⸺ almost shocking in its honesty! “To write truly is to speak from the depths of the maternal womb,” Olga, the protagonist, says in the book and the author delivers just that. Olga is abandoned by her husband for a young woman leaving her miserably alone with their two children. She tries to navigate her life and make sense of her situation with her writing. The protagonist’s thoughts lay bare the truth and the real side of motherhood and marriage⸺ the heavy breasts, retching, whining children, self-pity, unsatisfied desires, guilt, and disgust. One quote from the book stays with me, “I was like a lump of food that my children chewed without stopping…. No matter how much I washed, that stink of motherhood remained.”
Small Fires, An Epic in the Kitchen by Rebecca May JohnsonIn many cultures, particularly in South Asia, food is intimately connected to women and mothers, with cooking, cleaning, and feeding often regarded as acts of love. These tasks have been trivialized as unproductive. However, in this book, the author challenges this notion, arguing that cooking is akin to thinking. She urges us to view the kitchen as “a space of serious knowledge” rather than just “a site of love.” This book is an amalgamation of feminist thought, theories, personal narratives, critical analyses, and so much more. Although it doesn’t directly discuss motherhood, it prompts us to rethink the role of mothers in cooking, recognizing the depth, complexity, and intellectual engagement involved in their work; that the recipes, food, and cooking embody serious knowledge and skill, far beyond mere acts of self-sacrifice and nurturing.
