Founder of Brown Girl Therapy, the first and largest community organization for children of immigrants, Sahaj Kohli has long offered a healing space for people to work through the complications of mental health in unique cultural contexts. Her new book But What Will People Say? tackles cultural specificity in therapy and mental health, and offers real-world guidance for people looking to change the conversation with themselves and their families.
In the book, you explain how traditional mental health models are largely euro-centric and focused on individuality. Can you speak more on this lack of additional perspectives in mental health resources?
If you think about the history of Western wellness and therapy, it was created by White people (mainly men) who historically were members of communities and cultures that espouse individualism. Embedded in the foundation of research and mental health knowledge is the idea that there are specific and “right” ways to heal and exist in your relationships and life. For example, enmeshment is considered bad in Western narratives around wellness but enmeshment may have been a protective factor for immigrants who relied on being insular with their family and cultural community to protect themselves from assimilation and harm from the dominant society.
Yes, boundaries are great, navigating guilt is important, reflecting on your people-pleasing behaviors is wonderful. But this doesn’t look the same for everyone nor are the same factors at play. So if you are reading and consuming content, or working with a therapist who isn’t culturally-inclusive, then you may constantly feel like you are the problem or are unworthy of quality mental health care.
How do you challenge these practices to create an inclusive space where everyone can begin to heal?
While I believe in the power of therapy, there’s still a limit. Talk therapy, the act of talking about your feelings and experiences, can help people to process but only under the systems they still exist in—the same systems that may be causing harm, discrimination, historical oppression, and so on. Simply put: The work can only be done on an individual level up until a point.
Not everyone has the same background, family dynamics, narratives around wellness, or privileges, and these are all important factors to consider when exploring what “being well” means. These factors at play can be as general as gender and socioeconomic class, and as specific as birth order and city of origin.
In the book, you include reflection questions and conversation prompts. When do you know a relationship is able to handle this type of honest discourse?
Everyone’s in a different place in their journey which is why my tips, reflection questions, and prompts vary in language and in foundational knowledge. Some people may not be able to have the big hard conversation about their mental health issues with a parent yet, but that doesn’t mean they can’t begin to approach the way they communicate with their parents slightly different. Nothing changes unless something changes, and my hope is that with all the tools and tips I offer in this book, a reader will find something that can help them look at their life and relationships from a different and new perspective.
What is your advice to immigrant parents who may pick this book up?
It’s important to carry nuance while reading this book. This book is not categorizing immigrant parents as antagonists and if anything feels triggering or like an attack, I encourage you to sit with and reflect on that more deeply. Often, when I write about the complicated, messy reality of immigrant family dynamics and cultural norms and expectations, some people’s first reaction is “you don’t love your parents” or “you don’t understand what we—immigrants—lived through.” I do love my parents, and I do try to have empathy and compassion for what I don’t know/didn’t live through. Many things can be true at the same time and I really hope that this book, when read with an open mind and heart, can bridge some of the generational and cultural differences for families in the same way writing it did for me and my parents.
What do you hope readers take away the most from your book?
The short answer: Whatever they need. I hope readers can appreciate and recognize that everything—their shame, their confusion, their pride, their heritage, their uncertainty, and more—is a part of their journey. I share my story so fully so people can feel less alone in their experiences. I hope readers can recognize that there’s an “other” side to their struggles, and that when they explore and discover the agency they have in their own lives, they can feel empowered to find their way to a deepened sense of self, love, and wellness.
