We know that friends are an integral part of our lives. But truth is that we have all made and lost friendships over the years.
How many real friends a person has varies a lot, and it usually changes through the course of your life. Recent research actually tells us that the average female friendship lasts 16 years.
Some friendships evolve, but they lack the intimacy of the past. Some friendships last for decades. Unfortunately, many friendships also expire. I don’t know about you, but I’ve also had friendships become distant but then loop back years after I thought they were over. Sometimes, it’s similar life situations or the universe that brought us back. I don’t have the answer, but I will say that it’s been unexpectedly joyful!
Fact is that America is dealing with a loneliness epidemic. I don’t think the rest of the world is thriving either. Even then, many people don’t necessarily carve out time for friendships. It’s something they do when they aren’t working; dealing with family, navigating a health crisis … you get it. What they forget is that friendships can be incredibly rewarding and fulfilling.
Adult friendships are complicated and tricky to maintain. People have their own stuff going on and some folks choose to remain self-consumed. Priorities change. Marriage. Divorce. Jobs. Children. Caregiving. Eldercare responsibilities. Sickness. Crisis. Grief. People move away. Slowly … unaddressed lack of communication turns into misunderstandings. People drift apart.
One 2016 study suggested people who have six or more friends have improved health throughout their lives, while a 2020 study by Suzanne Degges-White, professor and chair of the Counseling and Higher Education department at Northern Illinois University, found that middle-aged women who had three or more friends tended to have higher levels of overall life satisfaction.
I pride myself on being a reliable, loyal, and caring friend who physically and emotionally shows up for both good and bad times. It’s a combination of the values my parents taught me, my boarding school upbringing where friends were part of your survival skills toolbox, and my extroverted personality where I enjoy deep and meaningful connections as friendships give me a sense of belonging.
What many don’t realize is that it takes effort to maintain a healthy, long-term relationship with our friends.
Communicating is key
Let your friends know what’s going on with you and your life. Instead of ghosting people and fading from their lives, inform your friends if you are in a time crunch or have other commitments taking up your time. Be it kids or a nagging boss or the responsibility of caring for aging parents … keep your close friends in the knowhow—why you can’t catch up on a phone call often or hang out. Mention that you care and want to stay connected, and that this situation is temporary. Being honest about how much bandwidth you have is key to deep friendships and long-lasting connections. Not disappearing on people is what we owe each other—it’s a sign of respect.
The importance of showing up
Many of us have friends in different parts of the world, so it might not always be possible to visit with people or speak on the phone. But there can be quick moments of touching base when someone crosses our mind. Or if they are going through a tough phase, small gestures mean a lot. Maybe send a text message or a meme via WhatsApp? Perhaps, share a funny dog video. Or if you see something (a cookie, tree, museum, a movie, book etc.) that reminds you of your friend, take a pic and share it with them. This allows you to stay connected and lets the other person know that they are on your mind. Don’t be that person who only gets in touch when they want to vent about their marriage, coworker, family, or life.
The art of making people feel invisible
If you see a friend’s social media post and that raises concern … don’t just scroll past the feed as if you didn’t see it. Even worse is leaving an emoji on their post as a comment or stalking their stories but pretending you saw nothing. Pick up the phone. Check-in with them. Listen actively without passing judgment. If this person isn’t the type to talk much about the small or big things in their life, your silent support can also cultivate a culture of connection. But for that, you have to take intentional steps.
Forgiving and apologizing
We are all flawed human beings trying to survive a difficult world. We make mistakes and so will the others. Sure, when someone shows you that they don’t care, you better believe it; but don’t hold grudges when someone seems genuinely apologetic. By the same token, don’t let your ego come in the way of your friendship. If you make a mistake, admit it and say sorry.
Respecting boundaries
When someone is going through grief, new relationship, breakup, job loss, health crisis … they might need a moment to recalibrate and gather their bearings. Sometimes friends need a pause, so give them that. Don’t personalize their lack of enthusiasm to be social. But let them know that you are there for them. If your friend is having a hard time, show your support and let them know you care. Small gestures of love are powerful and are often all it takes to be a good friend.
“A good friend is a connection to life — a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world.” ~ Lois Wyse
