How to stop selling yourself short
If you look at mind-health from the Ayurvedic lens, high anxiety represents vata imbalance, while intensity and overblown anger is a sign of pitta dosha vitiation. Kapha dosha aggravation looks like excessive attachment and lack of motivation.
But how do you define the imbalances in the mindset where women sell themselves short? No matter your Ayurvedic dosha, between patriarchy, oppression, and social conditioning, women have been trained to constantly question what we can deliver and how we see ourselves.
In a series of experiments, academic researchers found that even when men and women performed equally on tests, men self-rated their performance 33% higher than women did theirs. We have all been in rooms where a man is offered an opportunity, and he owns it, like he was born to lead and succeed. Most women have these moments of self-doubt. Often, they unintentionally sabotage themselves in workplace situations, be it while asking for a raise, a promotion, or a contract.
This failure to self-advocate manifests as that annoying voice in your head that keeps nudging: “Are you sure? Do I deserve this? Am I worthy? Can I even do this kind of work?”
Doubting Yourself
Last week, MCNY College (School of Business) in NYC invited me to speak on a panel. The topic was “Exploring Pixels and Possibilities: Understanding the impact of AI on Shaping Media Narratives”. Legend in the AI world and editor-in-chief of Gizmodo, journalist and author Dan Ackerman was my co-panelist. When the assistant dean initially asked me to be part of this panel, my first feeling was that of doubt. What do I have to do with artificial intelligence? I said NO.
The assistant dean and her students wanted me because I work in the media industry, with many years of experience in the field of communications. Plus, my work as an author, speaker, and Ayurvedic coach focuses on mental and emotional wellbeing. All the above involve artificial intelligence. There is mindfulness, ethics, and bias around artificial intelligence, and I am a thought leader in all those areas.
AI has made mindfulness accessible to numerous people. Artificial intelligence has impacted the writing industry as well. There is so much controversy around job losses as well as plagiarism. Basically, I am consuming, evaluating, and gauging artificial intelligence daily. But I was hard on myself and underplayed my own abilities.
I don’t have low self-esteem, but I assumed that the AI panel meant experts on the technology side of things. I thought my skills and experience wouldn’t be as good as others think they are. Notice how I was the one who labeled my abilities and wrongly gauged my worth and wisdom.
Stop Worrying About Being Good
Even as business owners, women tend to be softer on prices. They do this to nurture their bleeding hearts and to build relationships. Then there is the issue of wanting to be “nice.” There is nothing wrong with being a good person, but it shouldn’t mean self-sacrifice or self-sabotage.
Check-In With Yourself
This is where Ayurveda and yoga come in handy. Be it self-reflection at the end of the day or journaling in the morning, create a sacred space for yourself to make sure you are compassionate to yourself and your work. Write your thoughts. Look at them without judgment. Evaluate if there is room for improvement.
Also, there is something to be said about gut feeling. If you feel nauseous or your stomach hurts in a particular situation, don’t disregard it. Pay attention to how the choice sits in your mind and body.
Have An Accountability Group
When I had that moment of self-doubt, I brought it up with my accountability group. These are women I trust implicitly. Their feedback and support were fuel for my panel conversation. They also shared moments when they had sold themselves short. It made me feel less alone in my self-doubt moment. Having other people’s perspective on how they see you can be inspiration during times when we become our worst enemy.
Have An Anti-Sabotage Plan
After this incident, I have told myself that I will sleep on every opportunity that makes me squirm or question if I have got what it takes to deliver. Instead of falling prey to split decisions that work against me, I now have a rule that includes a polite note or message to the event organizer “Let me get back to you by tomorrow”.
As women, we sometimes bring our emotions into making choices about opportunities. Sleeping on it allows me to meditate and breathe through internal enquiries.
Change How You Talk About Yourself
How many times have people complimented you or praised your work, your dress, your mind, your personality and as a woman? You may not have gracefully accepted it.
We were at a friend’s daughter’s Bat-Mitzvah a couple of weeks ago where one person walked up to me and said, “You were on NBC! I saw you.” I consider myself as someone very confident, but I struggled with the public praise in the middle of the synagogue. I could barely utter a “thank you” or look him in the eye. Why do we women downplay our achievements?
I was watching The Film Actors’ Roundtable 2023 with Rajeev Masand where Kajol praises Kareena Kapoor Khan’s performance in her first OTT film “Jaane Jaan”. Even someone like Kareena, who seems assured, kept giving the credit to the director and looked uncomfortable basking in the accolade. Kajol reminded Kareena to accept the compliment.
It takes intentional work to rewire our brain and leave behind old habits. I am trying to shift my mindset and see myself through the eyes of those MBA students at MCNY who made me feel like the best thing since sliced bread. They want me back in 2024 for other events. “We loved you,” was the unanimous feedback from students and faculty.
I realize I was incredibly lucky that the assistant dean and students at MCNY wanted me. But we won’t always have people batting for us. So we have to become self-advocates and grab opportunities that we deserve.
“The worst financial transaction you will ever make is selling yourself short.” ~ Greg Gilbert
