Believing that people can harm you is common across South Asia
Recently, a friend’s husband organized a beautiful surprise for her and planned a weekend getaway at a detox center. She was ecstatic, but the first thing out of her mouth was, “Sweta, I am only sharing with you, don’t tell anyone.” She feared nazar or evil eye would be cast on her and her family.
There are a lot of people in unhappy marriages or relationships—she believed that their energy could negatively influence her or her husband or their marriage. Another friend shared that ever since her family’s business had blossomed, she felt coldness from the friends she socialized the most with. Her husband told her to keep their success a secret, because “Nazar lag jayegi.” (Someone will cast an evil eye or do black magic or wish them ill.)
The “Jinx” Perception
On October 17 this year, New York City Mayor Eric Adams threw an opulent Diwali party at Gracie Mansion. I was invited and had the most amazing time. Think about it for a second: Diwali is now a holiday in public schools in New York, and the mayor of this city organized a Diwali extravaganza in his home with music, food, and authentic appreciation for Indian culture. In a world that is consumed with violence, anger, hatred, and revenge, it felt like a privilege to have an evening to eat, dance, laugh, dress up, and celebrate light over darkness. We could all use a little celebration in our lives right now.
That said, I mentioned only to a handful of people that I was going to attend the Diwali gathering. Maybe I didn’t want to jinx it? Maybe I believe I should not talk about anything until it’s a done deal? Or maybe I too was raised in a culture where we didn’t share worthy news because of the trepidation around the evil eye. With my parents not around anymore, I sometimes feel that the “well” of unconditional good wishes is now permanently “dried up” for me.
Hiding The Truth About Ourselves
Indians move in big groups, throw 50-people parties at the drop of a hat, attend multiple Diwali parties, and believe in group vacations. But do we really share the truth about ourselves with the people we surround ourselves with? How many of your friends or family know when your kid got into trouble at school or college? Or the dark days of your marriage when you and your partner struggled every day but held hands at every puja or party?
If you were laid off from work, didn’t you fear your desi friends would judge you? I guess I am wondering about the authenticity in how we show up and if that’s tied into our inner anxieties.
As a small business owner, I use social media to share knowledge, educate my clients, and promote my work. Like many others, I don’t have a budget to hire a marketing agency. If I don’t put my work out there, am I not doing myself and my prospective clients a disservice?
Think about this—do people who never share their news or accomplishments (be it personally or on social media) never suffer or go through heartaches? Suffering is an inevitable human condition.
A Culture Of Superstitions
Ever since the Diwali party at Eric Adam’s home, I have been thinking about how our culture is rooted in fear. We give so much power to unknown energies and mistrust those we know. Don’t tell anyone. Don’t cross the street when a black cat stands in the middle of the street! Keep it a secret where I got the wedding sari from. All this sickness must be because of someone’s nazar. The no-promotion must be your colleague’s black magic. Don’t walk in an anti-clock direction or demons arise!
Cleaning Up Your Friends List
My cousin and I share almost everything that you’d call newsworthy. We care so deeply about each other that we will burn sage or palo santo or rosemary to keep the negative forces away for the other. We even acknowledge if we feel any envy at all. Relationships are hardly built on one emotion. But we both have each other’s back and that’s because we have invested honesty, time, authenticity, and deep love in our relationship.
I was talking to the same cousin about how we can’t not show up because we dread how others will react or behave or think. Believe that your inner light, strength, and stability needs to be way more powerful than the outer chaos, darkness, and distraction. Make your aura stronger and protect your energy fields instead of muting your life and accomplishments because of what someone’s nazar can do.
What is the point of a thousand friends if you must filter what you can or can’t share? Why not trust a handful of people instead of mistrusting dozens of those who don’t matter? Clean up your personal list, so you can make truer and reliable bonds.
Building Trusting Relationships
Meaningful relationships are key to our mental and emotional wellbeing. Last week I defended my PhD dissertation. I missed my parents: Mom would have gone to the Hanuman temple and offered besan laddoos. Dad would have reminded me that dedicated efforts are more important than the outcome of the result. Before the big day, I reached out to a handful of family and friends and asked them for their good wishes.
I told myself that the ones who I reached out to are the people I trust implicitly, and they have my best in their heart. I didn’t sit on my butt, waiting for the wishes to do their magic. I worked hard and passed my PhD dissertation knowing I had done the work and I had beautiful souls rooting for me.
I admit, I do believe in nazar. But if I am not giving credit to a stranger for good in my life, why should I allow trying times to fill me with fears that someone else is controlling my life? I firmly believe that if you surround yourself with those genuinely rooting for you and wishing you well, you can change the narrative of your life.
We believe what we think. And if we think we are in a protective bubble made with love, it makes you feel safe and protected. It does wonders for your mental wellness.
October is Emotional Wellness Month. Maybe it’s time to shift our mindset and find what makes you feel emotionally protected. Is it chanting mantras or hanging green chili and lemon, or burning a rock salt lamp at home or cleansing energies by burning herbs and spices, or wearing a kaala tikka or black thread around your wrist? I remind myself that my parents, the universe, God, and guardian angels are watching over me.
