The first time I actively started thinking about mental health was in 2012, when despite professional and financial success, I found myself lonely, miserable, and burnt out. The biggest challenge was that I didn’t even know what I had missed — good grades and a well-paying job was supposed to be the key to happiness. Why wasn’t I happy after accomplishing all that?
That was a turning point. Then onwards, I have spent much of my life figuring out what actually makes us happy. I even went back to school to study positive psychology (aka the science of happiness.) One major realization was that mental health is not just the absence of mental illness. Just as a person without a physical illness is not necessarily fit and healthy, a person may be struggling even if they don’t have a mental illness.
Learning what mental health is, and how to cultivate it, has been a long — and ongoing — journey for me. In the process, I have left a corporate career for a more balanced, fulfilling role as a positive psychology coach, worked on improving my closest relationships, including the one I have with myself, and pursue lifelong creative dreams like writing more and sharing my knowledge with the world.
We often don’t know the extent to which social and cultural factors drive our life. My pursuit of professional success at the cost of my health and well-being was a result of social programming, but I didn’t realize that for a long time. For instance, here are some messages that permeated my life while growing up in a small town in India in the 1990s:
- “Science is where good careers exist. Don’t switch to Arts and Humanities!”
- “Work hard in school and in your career. That’s the key to having a good life.”
- “Look at him! He has found a pretty good (read: well-paying) job! He is going to live such a wonderful life!”
I pushed myself to prepare for engineering entrance exams even though I didn’t have much interest or aptitude for engineering. Luckily, I failed all those exams. My peers went on to become doctors and engineers and without the peer pressure, I felt free to study what I actually wanted: Psychology. In retrospect, I can’t be grateful enough for that because I truly love psychology and that one decision has led to many more wonderful experiences over the years, leading me to find joy, fulfillment, and meaning in my professional life.
Another struggle I had was insecurity about how I looked. I have always been dark skinned and growing up in a family and culture that considered fair skin the epitome of beauty led me to feeling unloved and unworthy. Working with a therapist helped, but it took a long time for me to experience more self-acceptance. It continues to be a work in progress.
The more I move forward on my own journey and work with clients on similar paths, the more I realize that inaccurate/outdated beliefs about ourselves, other people, and the world drive our life. We’re told success will lead to happiness, but many of us find ourselves miserable on the other side of our accomplishments. We’re told we’re not enough, leading us to constantly strive to please people and be obsessed with being perfect. We’re told marriage and motherhood looks a certain way, when there are so many unique flavors to these experiences. The list goes on.
The process towards greater mental health and well-being starts with self-awareness: which beliefs are driving our life? Why are we still holding on to them? What will it take to shift to what is actually true? This has become a big part of my life’s work: unshackling myself from social programming and outdated beliefs and helping interested clients do the same.
If you’re struggling with your mental health, you’re not alone and it’s not your fault. Factors beyond your control have played a big role in bringing you to this point. Don’t beat yourself up for your struggles. That rarely helps.
There is no shame in asking for help. It doesn’t make you weak or selfish or a burden on others. All of us are human. All of us need help. Reach out to a friend. Find a therapist. Work with a coach. All the breakthroughs that I’ve had in my own journey of well-being have involved talking to someone else. We can’t do this alone. We’re not meant to.
Listen to your inner voice of wisdom. All of us have it. It is often quiet but calm, clear, wise, and compassionate. There is so much noise out there in the world about what you should do and be. It can be overwhelming. Anchoring yourself in your inner wisdom can help you navigate the noise and the overwhelm with more ease.
Reach out to Yashi at yashi@yashisrivastava.com.
